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i could be a pen and paper outlaw

write off all the rules and break the new ones i hold true


ahem. i have a new and quite possibly improved username.


it took me fucking forever to find a name nobody else has (someone has logorrhea, for fuck's sake!). in any case, you should add me, because otherwise i will hunt you down and cry on your doorstep about how nobody loves me.

5/6/06 10:58 pm - we need to get out of these boxes

so right now the rest of the world is at prom. and do you want to know where i am? NOT AT PROM. man, i am so cool. actually, to really qualify as cool i'd have to be out vandalizing stuff or dealing crack, but being lame and going to see stick it with my brother and sister is really just as good. the important thing is that i'm wearing baggy pants and listening to against me! instead of prancing around in a dress and makeup to some shitty hip-hop song and looking like a complete ass.

actually, i think i might go to bed now. sleeping through your prom: the absolute pinnacle of badassery.

5/6/06 01:57 pm - it's like seeing a car crash from inside the car

i thought the ap us history exam yesterday sucked (three essays in a row = death), but taking the sat today was one of the most awful experiences of my entire life. i spent FIVE AND HALF HOURS at the testing center, thanks in part to having to wait 45 minutes in line, during which time i had the treat of listening to the kids behind me analyze their drug use in great detail ("well, it's mostly just vodka, but it has an olive in it, so you feel like a badass!"). and even after that, the sat is SO FUCKING LONG. it was long but manageable when i took it in middle school, but this time i was so fried by the end that i'm surprised i even managed to fill in all the bubbles. i also managed to only fall asleep once, which is an accomplishment of sorts.


sorry about that. i'm going to go go into a coma or something now.

5/3/06 10:19 pm - in which i ramble neurotically about - you guessed it! - colleges and sat tests

according to my sat prep software, the writing section is important because a good score will help me get into the school of my choice, thus landing me a good job with which i can "crush all the people who laughed at me in high school." i had no idea that standardized tests were so instrumental to revenge plans!

i did my volunteering thing again today, and i think i actually might like it. the woman who was running it today let me help her more, like asking the two girls questions about what they were learning. (for example, when they were doing seasonal vocabulary, i explained the difference between blossoms and flowers and had them tell me which was which in different photographs.) it's hard, because i don't know what words they know or don't know and i have to phrase questions so they can understand what i'm trying to say. however, it's really an interesting process, and it makes me feel purposeful, the way i feel on the rare occasions when i'm juggling all my commitments and extracurriculars efficiently and competently.

i finally registered for the sat subject tests, so i can worry exclusively about the regular sat and ap us test for the next two days and return to worrying about the subject tests after that. everyone keeps telling me about how great i'm going to do on the sat as though it's a forgone conclusion, and it only makes me feel worse. what i like about high school so far is that it's all about potential and the future: everyone's all, "oh, you're so smart, you can go to any college, you can do anything with your life." which is awesome, because it's this big ego trip that requires relatively little effort on my part. however, now we're entering the phase where i have to put my brain where my transcript is and actually produce tangible results, i.e. get into some stupidly prestigious college.

right now i'm way into the idea of brown. i'd more envisioned myself at a small liberal arts college than a real university, but otherwise it's basically everything i want in a college, except for there being any chance in hell of getting admitted. i can already visualize the rejection letter sitting on my kitchen counter.

so, um, you might as well get used to college blathering, because i'm pretty much certain that it's all i'm going to talk about for the next year or so.

5/3/06 01:04 am - isa = nerd

i just had a "you know you're a nerd when" moment. the scene: i was collecting the materials necessary for doing my math homework, when i noticed that my calculator was nowhere to be found. panic! i frantically searched through my backpack and the nearby area, and was just starting to freak out in the special way you do whe you think you've lost an expensive piece of electronics when i noticed that my calculator was perched innocently on a stack of cds by the computer.

i hate waking up after i've fallen asleep and realizing that i have to get up and do homework. it's one of the most depressing things ever, although not quite as depressing as getting up in the morning and realizing that my head isn't going to touch that pillow again for another 18 hours or so.

5/2/06 08:43 pm - blah blah blah HEY THAT'LL LOOK GOOD ON MY APPLICATION blah blah blah

over the last couple weeks, i've out of nowhere become completely, pathetically obsessed with colleges. i can't even talk about anything else. my parents and i sit down at the dinner table and, without preamble, immediately launch into a discussion of brown's acceptance rate (17%!) or northwestern's quarter system (major drawback). the best way to keep myself from having panic attacks over the prospect of having to apply to colleges is to obsessively read my college book and do online research.

i started volunteering to tutor turkish refugees who are learning english today. i was nervous as fuck but it turned out pretty cool. there were just a couple kids there and they just talk and work on their vocabularies and stuff.

oh, and three days to the ap us history test. send good karma my way, plzzzzz.

4/30/06 05:25 pm - nothing to do nowhere to go-o-oh i wanna be sedated

i keep being too lazy to update this stupid thing. oh well. the more practice sat tests i take, the more appallingly low scores i get. it makes me nervous because i will not accept anything less than stellar on the real thing. the worst part, though, is that i'm only taking the practice tests to avoid thinking about the ap us history test, which promises to be a horrifying display of my capacity for incompetence.

my mom keeps lecturing me on how i'm just psyching myself out, but anxiety is what i run off of. i don't really know how to deal with anything in a way that doesn't involve compulsive worrying.

maybe i'll just go for a walk and take some deep breaths. the weather is all pretty outside and it'll give me an excuse to continue to not do my expo or math homework.

4/28/06 03:43 am - aeiafawaklefjfwekefakeelkjk

congratulations, self. i have just completed two fairly major assignments (however shittily) and it's not even 4 am yet. i love how everyone signs off of aim one by one until it's just me and my cat. not that my cat has has aim; you know what i mean.

i just realized today that i have a plethora of standardized tests to both sign up for and take in varying degrees of the near future. this whole college thing is appalling. earlier i spend a considerable chunk of procrastination time researching places where i can maybe major in linguistics and be a professsional word nerd. someone called me a walking thesaurus today and it was probably the coolest thing anyone's said to me all week. my sentences are falling over themselves because i'm tired but my brain is in a hazily sugar-buzzed state of denial.

i'd like to skip the next 12 hours and be home again; i don't fancy getting up in three hours or surviving the horrors of school or even doing anything that doesn't involve my bed. cheers!

4/24/06 10:36 pm - variations on a theme

for all accounts and purposes, today was a successful day. the infamous first day back after a break was survived with only minor agony, best-friend-shaped fences were mended, i managed to complete one or two important tasks while putting off a number of others, and the court brief i nearly had a coronary over was apparently good enough to be put on display, overhead style, as an example to the rest of the class. i'm even eating the gross and bizarrely phallic lollipop i got for easter from my grandmother. too bad i have to do a million hours of homework before i can go to bed.

4/23/06 08:46 pm - yay for things

i finally left my house in order to go shopping in burlington, which was fun despite my sister waking me up obnoxiously early (10:30, shut up) and putting me in a pissy mood. my dad made us wait for over an hour at borders, which was great in the end because he felt guilty and decided to buy us off with cds. i got saves the day's through being cool and used the money i saved to get a book of charles bukowski's poetry, leaving me thoroughly broke but awash in hipster cred and scene points. i also got two pairs of shorts, thus effectively tripling the total number that i own.

as for through being cool, chris conley's voice is very adolescent and vaguely annoying, but overall it's a pretty solid album. i like the guitar parts quite a lot. you can really hear how a lot of bands (*cough* fall out boy *cough*) completely ripped them off. now i just have to get some lifetime so i can laugh at how much saves the day ripped them off.

i know i should listen to music because i like it and not because it's trendy, but i like owning those classic albums that everyone agrees to be incredibly important and amazing. it makes me feel educated. it's not just that i want a solid foundation upon which to build my music snobbery, though; i also like understanding music history. a lot people listen to bands like the clash or jawbreaker and are inspired to go form bands that sound like those bands. a few of the upstart bands will eventually do something innovative and become one of those bands that everyone copies, and it's a really fascinating progression. in order to completely grasp it, though, you have to listen to the seminal bands who managed to do something different with their music. plus, those bands are often better than their imitators.

i'm not trying to be pretentious or sound smart. i just want to know everything about music and understand how it works. a life mission, i guess you could say.
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